:: The Adventures of Charmin ::

:: Friday, May 16 ::

The sun shines and a soft breeze blows from the ocean. I pretend like I already am a beach bum, wearing shorts and flip flops to work. At least it will appear to everyone else that I do not have a care in the world. But once again, I am hiding my fears. What I have done could end my relationship. It seems so casual to email you. It seems harmless. But all involved know that it was wrong. I am sorry. You are in a relationship, and so am I. And I am afraid to lose her. I have lost you already and it stings. But it is good that you have not emailed me. Please don't. I am sorry for everything. You know that I love her, and I hope that you have found love too. What hurts is that for our short time together, I loved you. You don't believe that. It is good you don't. Goodbye Woman. I wish you the best in life, and clearly it was never me.

:: Charmin 5/16/2008 04:12:00 PM [+] ::
...

You don't look in on me anymore, and I curse that you are over me and I cannot stop my brain from thinking about you. It is my own fault and I know it. I was afraid. And ironically, that is the same reason that she hates on me and makes my life stressful. So much more stressful then it needs to be. Being with you was so easy, so effortless. The hardest part was the lack of sleep. But then I would think about being in your bed and get rejuvenated. And now I think about the same things, over and over, and instead of rejuvenated, I get weary.

It is hard to carry all the guilt in the world. I miss you.

:: Charmin 5/15/2008 09:49:00 PM [+] ::
...

it is late. I was looking for a way to change the format of this blog. I wish that the first posts visible were from the beginning. Perhaps a reverse chronology. I never worried back then about what was proper or who would find this. Being a kept woman you see has its price. I have had to agree to things, and now I have to stick to those agreements.

It is not that hard most of the time to have and to hold, in sickness and in health... but there are days when one just does not give a shit as to why one is considered such a fuckup.

I certainly do not see it. But I do not want to get into that for the reason fore-mentioned. I don't give one shit.

Instead my mind still wanders to where it is forbidden. And the imagery of those soft thighs on my cheeks and the sweet lips in front of me make me shake my hands at promises I made. For what reason should something so tempting be forbade me? Because life has to be tough and full of compromises?

Fuey! People who say such fucking negative things are just trying to live with their own entangled mess of a life. The truth is I chose this path. Not in a direct line, but by washing out all other options.

And am I complaining? yes I guess I am. Should I be? no. 85% of the time I am happy. not a bad ratio considering I remember dark times before her. Very dark times.

and of the 15% that i am not happy I would say that 90 percent of that time, I am content. so where does that math leave me?

in simple terms, every once in a great while, the thought of those soft, yet muscular thighs caressing my cheeks and those sweet sweet lips in front of me is sometimes too moving. and once in an ever greater while, I will be so moved as to get up from my matrimonial bed, and write about it.

:: Charmin 4/18/2008 03:34:00 AM [+] ::
...

It was the part of the flight that I looked forward too, and also the part that I hated. All of us standing in our seats, heads ducked to avoid the overhead bins. The flight was over. We had taxied to our gate. The seatbelt signs were turned off. Us seasoned travelers had already gathered our carry on belongings, and now we were patiently awaiting the opening of the doors. I always feel a bit like cattle at this point in the trip.

I was anxious... You could tell. At first the others with me looked as anxious. But as we were finally able to move and started shuffling out the door it was clear that my excitement only gained as theirs wained with movement. I searched ahead for her. And I saw her and quickened my pace. Some noticed my eagerness to see her and wondered who she was.

I saw some expressions of those walking with me just before I embraced her. It was like they were excited for me too, it was clear that this was an emotional reunion. It was clear that we had spent too far apart. I imagined that they felt privy to a special event. And I honestly could feel that they were happy for me. Perfect strangers seeing me and her finally united, and their hearts were somehow warmed by seeing us. Perhaps they wish that someone had missed them as much. Perhaps it reminded them of a time when they actually felt passion. Or perhaps it felt good just to see another person finally grasp what she had been missing.

It was a kind of acceptance that I secretly wanted from them. They had seen me the whole flight. They had wondered what the hell was I doing going to where they were going. But now they knew. I was going to where they lived because someone there missed me, and was missed. And it felt incredible to see the acceptance and their excitement for me, for whatever the reasons no matter how brief.

I say it was brief because the very next minute, they I am sure, were scarred by two attractive women in their thirties making out in their little airport, in their little hometown with absolutely no regard for proper dignified republican behavior. I did not see them as we left, only her. And it was just as well, because it was really a beautiful moment, and at one point they thought so too.

:: Charmin 12/17/2007 06:38:00 PM [+] ::
...

I did not do a damn thing today. I know that would be disappointing to Her if she knew. But She and I different people, and when I am depressed and lonely, I do not want to do a damn thing. She keeps hereself busy doing anything and everything. And She is also the most motivated person that I have ever met. I wish I had some of that motivation. I could maybe do great things if I could just get off me ass.

:: Charmin 12/15/2007 08:48:00 PM [+] ::
...

Ginger is working as we speak on her album number 2. I was on the album, and then I was off the album. And then I was back on the album. So we will see how the final cut comes out. Will Charmin be on the album? I am so curious. It is not that I want money, or fame. I just want braggin rights with the ladies. Whether I make it to the final cut or not, I still cannot wait to hear this thing. I think it is going to be amazing, and unlike anything that she has ever done.

And maybe just maybe, now that she is done on album number 2 we can finally do something with all the songs that we have done that I knew would never make the album. We have to hurry. I only have two weeks left here in town before I hit the road.

She is not going to like that when she hears this. She knew I was going, but I do not think that she knew I was going this soon. But the truth is I would come back just to work on our shit. There is something magical about playing with Ginger, and I do not want to lose that simply because of geography.

:: Charmin 12/13/2007 10:53:00 PM [+] ::
...

So my ass exploded. NO JOKE. I explained it the same way to Sunshine, and she started giggling. “Charmin, did you shit your pants?“ she asked. No it was not like that. I did not shit my pants. I had a rather embarrassing yet incredibly painful medical condition similar to a hemorrhoid. I thought I was too young to get hemorrhoids. And in reality, I did not have a hemorrhoid. What I had was an absess right on my ass that got infected. Of course I thought that it would go away, and so I spent three very uncomfortable nights crying all by my lonesome. I called into work on Friday and had a doctors appointment scheduled. But shortly before my appointment, I felt something leaking out of me. It was blood and puss, but I must say that it felt instantly better.

The closest thing I could describe it to was being raped in the ass for three days, and that warm bloody liquid dripping out of me at least signified the worse was over. And it was. The doctor said that if it would not have burst on its own, he would have cut it open to let it drain. Essentially my body did on its own what he would have had to do. And releasing that pressure from that tender skin brought instant relief.

I wish there was a funny moral to this story. But there is not. And I apologize to all those people that have been raped in the ass. I have never been, so I guess that I am presuming a lot comparing my experience to yours. And obviously I will not have the emotional scarring tha goes with that kind of violation. But I think on the level of pain, I know how you felt, and I am very sorry. That was the most painful experience of my life.

Anyway people. Take care of your ass. I cannot really tell you how, because I am not sure what caused this unfortunate condition. Research says that you should exercise. And that you are more likely to get them if you are fat, which I am… Oh, and don’t do your sudoku puzzles on the pot. Or as my smart ass doctor said, just do your sudoku puzzles faster.

:: Charmin 12/13/2007 10:39:00 PM [+] ::
...

She hit the road on Monday.

She had been wanting to move the whole time that she has lived with me. Come up with a plan I said. She could sense my hesitancy. But she camem up with a plan, and got a job, and packed up what she could of our house, she packed up her car, and she drove 2000+ miles to start our new life. Without me, but with me in mind. And I will be there as soon as I can.

:: Charmin 12/01/2007 03:50:00 PM [+] ::
...